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Dear 2010


Dear New Year 2010,

I spent my new year’s eve alone, quite intentionally. The last two weeks have been a concentrated effort focused on self reflection. There comes a time in life where these issues are important and I am fortunate enough to give them the attention they deserve. Growing up in school and life you are constantly being taught to plan, to forecast, to look towards your future. List your goals in life; write down where you want to be in 5 years, in 10 years. But you are never taught how to get from point A to point B. There is no practical life lesson in making your goals attainable, no lesson plan for how to reach for the stars. Certainly there is no plan B to tell you what to do when you don’t or can’t reach those goals. I think this is why so many people reach a point in their lives where they just stop trying. The misconception is that if you fail to reach these goals then you are a failure. The real truth in life is that everything requires work and it is hard to make things work they way you want them to. There are many factors beyond the control of just one person, and human nature is a bitch. We are all reliant on others to move us forward to obtain our own goals. Let’s be honest, other people can be assholes and trying to reconcile your dreams with the dreams of other people is, in its self, a hard fight to win. One side has to give up something or compromise. If one side compromises too much there may be nothing left.

I feel empty most of the time. I am damaged but it’s easy to forget about that. I put up a good front and I am the ultimate social butterfly when I want to be. That takes its own toll on me. People see me, like me, they are my friends but they don’t know me. What does it really mean to know a person? You can go through life thinking you know someone and yet be completely wrong about your assumptions. There are pieces of me I can never annunciate, I am physically unable. It is these things that live inside me every waking moment of my life, they will never leave me. Scars run too deep to heal.   I feel disconnected from the world. I don’t know how to communicate or to act for what I want. I am constantly being standoffish and distancing myself from other people intentionally. I hide inside an eggshell. This is how I cope with who I am. My own inability to reach my goals, which may even be the final result of my person. What are goals and how does one align them with one’s self? Why are goals important?

Last night I stood outside in the cold, glass of champagne in one hand and cigarette in the other. Why is it I am happiest when I am alone? What do I really want? What is love? I didn’t find any of the answers, but there was a certain level of peace bringing in the New Year this way. I spent three years loosing myself into something else and I want me back. That’s really what is all about, a selfish homage to me. Then again, how can I understand any of these questions if I don’t know myself?

Here’s to you 2010, may you bring everyone a piece of what they are seeking.

Love,

April


Life, the show must go on.

I haven't felt much like writing.  Let alone had much time.  I force myself to stay this busy because I don't want to feel these things that I feel.  I learned very early how much emotions can hurt.  These days it feels like I'm in a stupor, like I'm some kind of human clam content to live in my warm, happy, safe shell.  There's an element of danger to this kind of safety.  The danger of being lonely, of growing old, of becoming some kind of crazy dog lady with a herd of Corgis living in a cave in the woods of WV with my shot gun.  I'd miss my friends too much to ever go that far.  Unless, of course, the zombies come.

Making connection is a lot of work.  You have to give up a lot of yourself to bridge the gap, and I think the more damaged you are the harder it becomes until the pain of having to do it in the first place almost seems to block out the joy you feel from the process.  Which seems entirely off tangent but I promise the two concepts are related.  Tired of things being hard becuase I put up more walls to make them harder to avoid getting hurt when I can't even feel a thing in the first place because there's a wall there.  Life is like a Catch-22, and that though also makes me miss Vonnegut.  It's been so long since I've read a serious book.

"There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle."

Some days I think about making this entire journal open to the wide world of the web, but there really are secrets buried here that no one save myself should have to uncover.  Will they change the way you look at me?  That won't change who I am.  It's about perception and they way you want to perceive me.  If I break that you won't be the same.  I can say I have no deep secrets because they are all here, all of them have been published.  Written words so I can't take them back or forget them, or rather that I won't.  I have given my pain, my heart, my blood,sweat and tears away. 
I'm still here and I have a feeling this year is turning into the year of hell.  I agreed to do about 4-5 plays between now and summer time, maybe more.  I can't keep track anymore.  My parents have decided to put the house on the market and I still need to pay off bills before I can afford to move.  Angel's doing a lot better!  I hope things can keep going in a positive direction.

I took my certification test last Friday, I get the results in 6-8 weeks.  Keep you fingers crossed!

Here some more

Starting to work out again and get myself back on track.  Angel's been really sad without me here, I keep forgetting she used to have a playmate all day and now has none.  I would get another friend for her if I could.  I'm going to start taking her on longer walks and drive around somewhere new at least once a week.  I want my puppy to have a happy life.  :-D

I'm still here!

Sorry I haven't been around for a bit, for some reason I agreed to work on several plays in a row.  In part to take my mind away from things.  So far it's been great, I enjoy the work and working with other people.  I can't say I'm "better" because there is still a lot of emotional conflict.  But I am happy and that's the important part.  Now that the show has opened I'm going to get my workout schedule back on track.  All my pants still fit so that means I haven't gained any weight.  PHEW!  Although I have started smoking quite a bit, and it's mostly to deal with stress.  I'm not sure I care at the moment.

Time for dinner then off to the show!

Rockhall Pirate Fest sounds amazing

http://www.rockhallpirates.com/

to bad it's on opening weekend for JHAT, I can always go on Sunday!

No truer words spoken.

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

Hamlet

missing lj friends

Posting are becoming more scant, I miss my lj friends.  Thanks to Dave, Chris, Kat and Jessie & Jolene for keeping it going.   :-)  At least a little.

Some of my friends haven't posted in years.  I guess I just used to thrive on writing and reading that of others.  Sharing things I am not able to share otherwise in any other medium.  Pen to paper so to speak, as to letters on a page.  I miss the prolific ranting, the deep arguments.  Sad to say I miss being able to be alone and yet still feel a part of something.  I left for years too so I can't blame anyone, I just miss them. 

Facebook is most decidedly a poor sad substitute for what blogging is meant to be.  I tried to avoid it, but it got too lonely.  I really am starting to consider the ramifications of online life.  It becomes easy to close yourself off, and harder to relate to people in person.  It is nice to be able to keep in touch with everyone at once and sometimes makes me miss them more because of it.  It's possible to say I have hundreds of peole I consider friends and I would be there for any of them in a heart beat only limited by time and distance.



Misadventures of the week

I took a half-day off work on Friday to see Brian (Keats or Dr. B as he is called).  Brian is one of my best friends that moved to Hawaii about two years ago.  I haven't seen him in almost two years and this was his second time back to MD since he left (his first long trip).  We had a really hard time finding time to get together, between my work schedule, the long commute and tech for Sweeny Todd I was afraid I wouldn't see him.  I asked for sometime off work, since he is my best friend I have to keep my priorities in perspective.  We had to go by some slippas (flip-flops) since those are the only shoes he wears and he had spilt gasoline all over his other pair.  We ran around for a bit, had a nice lunch and chilled out for a while.  It was great seeing him again and it felt like no time had passed since college and I have convinced him to start a facebook account!  He hasn't been blogging as much and Brian and Lynn do some super cool things in their free time out in HI so it will be nice to keep in touch on a more regular basis.  I'm looking forward to flying out there sometime (hopefully soon!) to go snorkeling, surfing or just hiking in the rain forest.  I'd like to see some volcanic rock as well.  Geology is one of my "hobbies" I never have time for.  I've always been fascinated by rocks and the formation of rocks and other geological features.  It's fascinating.

This next week that whole crew of friends (the St. Mary’s crew) is going down to Greg's family's beach house in the Outer Banks.  I can't go because of the demands of work and theatre and it's a real bummer.  On the other hand I'm not sure my aging body could handle the amount of drinking and hardcore partying they intend on doing.  I will miss them though and hopefully they send back some non-incriminating photos of the debauchery.

Then last night I spent roughly seven hours working on lights at the theatre.  It was a late LATE night.  I spent most of that time in the “rabbit hole” which is a small crawl space way above the seating area that allows access the lights hung above the audience.  I fell asleep up there for a bit too…  We didn't get done until after 2 AM.  Hopefully worth it as there are only 15 days until tech week for this production.  Keep your fingers crossed!  Also, I am glad I am not in charge.